


E-Mail Me (3 Gurls Want to Webchat With U)

by modillian



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Crack, GSF - Freeform, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-13
Updated: 2008-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-31 12:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modillian/pseuds/modillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Panic makes fun of the spam for natural male enhancement in their inbox. Group kissing ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	E-Mail Me (3 Gurls Want to Webchat With U)

**Author's Note:**

> All inspiration came from my spam inbox.

 

 

I.

_It was easier to "go all the way" than stop._

"Ewww, that's creepy," Brendon said. Jon deleted it immediately.

"What's that word, when something is inappropriate and disgusting?" Jon asked the room.

"Lubricious," said Ryan.

"Your mom," said Brendon.

 

_The person was really desired by others. Every night will be a hot steamy night once you have your 10 inch sch10ng!_

"Woah, hold me back, baby," said Spencer.

"Don't be jealous, you know you wanted that offer too," Jon said and patted his knee.

Brendon scowled. "Everyone can shut up now."

"No way! We totally want to help you with your private issues! So tell us about that jock itch again, Brendon. Although I still say if you didn't wear such tight pants that'd stop the problem."

Brendon punched Ryan's arm.

"Hey! I haven't said anything."

"That was preemptive."

Ryan punched Brendon back.

 

_I wanted to achieve an orgasm. Amazing results the painless way, grow your manhood to it's maximum potential._

"Grow to my maximum potential? So are we having business meetings about my dick now? I feel like you should've gotten my consent about this beforehand."

Jon smirked. "Shut up Spencer. Your cock is marketable commodity, of course we've been talking about it."

"But now that you're here," Ryan added, "how do you feel about flyers?"

"I was thinking we need billboards, but that seemed too tacky, too blatant, too -what's the word? When someone is too full of himself?"

"Overweening."

"I'll _overween_ you anytime."

"Sure Spence," said Ryan.

 

_Show off your new girth and get your friends envious!_

"...yeah Ryan, I really don't think you need that."

"Not that we're jealous or anything," Jon said.

"Why would your friends be checking your junk out anyways? That sounds kind of gay."

"Shut up, Brendon," said Ryan.

"Okay, but it does! And if we're making cock jokes now, we totally can stop talking about my tight pants. Because there is definitely a kettle and a pot in this situation."

"We may as well throw in a whole oven and dishwasher set," Spencer said.

"And the kitchen sink. Thrown to the four winds!"

"What's it called when you throw something overboard?"

"Jettison."

"I'll _jettison_ you any day."

"Thanks Jon," said Ryan.

 

II.

_All women will dream of you. Except our offer and be awarded with her excited glance at your groin! Don't be so shy, take up this step today!_

Ryan smirked. "Hey, that's not fair. All the women already dream about you anyways."

"I am a force of nature," said Jon.

"What? No way, I'm the lead singer. I'm totally foxy. Women are lining up to faint over me."

"Whatever you say, loverboy. Bassists are the new frontmen. I am ahead of the time."

"Woah, hold onto your ego there, it might run away with you," said Spencer.

"Have you ever tried running while holding onto your ego? It doesn't really work, running is better with both hands out of your pants," said Brendon.

Jon looked smug. "That's only if you're doing it wrong. You need women to hold your ego for you when you're doing the, er, _running_."

Spencer smacked Jon on the forehead.

 

_I was "horny". Always been teased about your tiny pecker? Now hit them back with your bazooka!_

"I always knew I had a weapon in my pants," Brendon intoned.

"Love is a battlefield," Jon said.

"Absolutely. Quote marks in war are always a bad sign."

"So Ryan thinks we need straightforward war instead of symbols? Alright!"

"Oh shut up. It's just kind of sad."

"Yeah, it is."

"Yeah."

Spencer took Ryan's hand.

 

_Feeling short? Let XXXDrug catapult you to the pinnacle of manhood!_

"Dude, I'm totally not short anymore."

"Ohoho, and the truth comes out! So how long have you been on sex drugs, Smith?"

"There is a thing called puberty, and it's a special time in every man's life. You'll get there soon enough, Urie."

Brendon punched Spencer's shoulder. Spencer shoved Brendon off the couch.

"Children, children! What have I told you about antagonizing Spencer? It always ends in bloodshed. Did you get any blood on the laptop?" Ryan asked.

"No. Fucker."

"Aw, Brendon. Let me kiss it better," Jon said. Brendon leapt into Jon's lap.

"Ryan, what's the word for a super-awesome person who saves your life from war and bloodshed?"

"Savior."

"I'll _savor_ you all the time, Jon Walker."

"That's not the word I used," said Ryan.

 

_Acheive all your dreams! Substantial increase in length and volume. Let your manliness be noticed by women!_

"Don't do it, Ryan! You're way too much man for me already."

"I couldn't handle any more machismo, either. You've got to tone it down as it is, dude, the testosterone could kill the band." Jon sucked on a knuckle thoughtfully. "To be fair, your manliness is obvious to us, but maybe not so much to the girls."

"The girls know he's a guy, they're always screaming for his cock onstage."

"Maybe they know he's a guy, but I think they're confused about the manliness."

Spencer put in, "I don't know, this sounds like a math problem to me. Maybe Ryan has height problems going along with the length and volume."

"You're all hilarious, ha ha ha."

"Don't worry, Ryan. I'll totally let you show me your manliness. Whenever it's ready to come out, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, it'll be beautiful," Brendon sighed.

"I know where you sleep," said Ryan.

"No seriously, you can totally be manly all over my face, I wouldn't even mind." Ryan elbowed him, but Brendon didn't fall off the couch this time.

 

III.

_I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g. oon marijuana or some other drug). Gains of 2-3 inches are GUARANTEED . or your money back._

"Doesn't taking drugs make you need to use sex drugs?"

"Only if you try having sex and taking drugs at the same time," said Jon.

Ryan laughed. "Do you have experience in this area?"

"Maybe it's more that people on drugs tend to be too unfocused for sex. Or giggly. Or hungry."

Spencer snickered. "What would you say, Ryan?"

"Why're you asking me? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure, okay. What's a word for 'really bad liar'?"

"Stool pigeon."

"So coo at me, birdie."

"Not in public!" Jon exclaimed.

 

_TheseDicksMountainous. ErectileorganLarge-scale._

"Is that like [Penis Mightier](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cR-_QSO4OpY)?" said Brendon.

Ryan grinned. "I love SNL."

"But would you really want someone to say your dick is mountainous?"

"I don't know, maybe if it fit the rest of your mountainous body. That counts you out, Brendon."

"But guys, I need a new stage persona! Mountain Man Brendon, how does that sound? I could take those bodybuilder pills to turn into The Hulk and then take the sex drugs to stop the dick shrinkage."

Spencer was perched on the table texting someone. "And then we'd have to buy valium off the internet so we can knock you out when the roid rage starts."

Jon shrugged. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure the fans don't go for the mountain man type, sorry to say."

"You crush my dreams, Walker. You crush them all the time."

"I sure do. I'll _crush_ your dreams anytime you want."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Oh, shut up," groaned Ryan.

 

_Get a magic wand to satisfy your lady. Your beloved woman will tremble with ardor as soon as you augment its dimensions! Get equipped with better and bigger package!_

"I feel discriminated against. Women women women. Shouldn't I be trying to impress my friends like that other one said?"

"See? Even Spencer agrees: gay gay gay."

"Oh, shut up."

"What's a synonym for 'magic wand'?"

"Your face," Ryan huffed.

"Come on! You love me, I'm distracting you from horrible spam." Brendon slouched and curled around Ryan, stuck his face in Ryan's side. Ryan grumbled and held him. Spencer rubbed Ryan's arm.

"Anyway, everyone knows it's not about size, it's how you use it," Spencer added.

"Damn straight," Jon said. Spencer snorted. Jon grabbed the laptop and opened a new tab.

After a while, Jon looked up from the screen. Brendon, Ryan, and Spencer were toppled over each other and breathing evenly. "Did everyone but me fall asleep cuddling?"

Jon shoved Brendon up and settled in. Brendon muttered in his sleep and moved over.

 

_The person was too physically attractive to resist. Emerge with your new length and get your mates jealous!_

Ryan glared at Brendon from the opposite end of the couch and sighed. Spencer patted his head.

"What? I haven't said anything." Brendon looked around innocently.

"But you're _going_ say something," Jon replied, sitting between Brendon and Spencer.

"I've already told Ryan he's way too irresistible in his manliness. I'm not lying."

"But you're waiting to pounce, I can feel it."

"Feel as in 'Sense the force, young Skywalker'?"

Jon nodded.

Brendon stretched his arms and legs enormously and said through the strain, "Well, we've already agreed Ryan would scare knee-high children if he got any more male enhancement." Spencer chuckled. Ryan batted his hand away.

Jon bit a thumbnail. "Mmm, that's true. Ryan is a hunk of burnin' love." Ryan raised an eyebrow. "But you're still _going_ to say something," Jon went on.

Brendon shrugged and pulled out his phone, blipping buttons. "Nothing new here. I've been saying it and I'll say it again: I'd bang Ryan like a very gay screen door."

Jon leered, "I'd bang the two of you like a gay screen door." Spencer coughed a laugh. Brendon winked outrageously and went back to texting.

"Oh for - you're both too much," Ryan groaned, long-suffering.

Brendon's head stayed down. "Dude, when am I insincere?"

"All the time."

"Well I'm not kidding here."

Ryan paused, tilting his head. "Would you really?"

Brendon was still texting. "Of course."

Ryan tilted his head more. He sat back and wiggled his fingers at Spencer for a bit. Spencer finally shrugged, rolling his eyes.

Ryan licked his lips. Jon turned sharply to face him.

"Er," said Spencer, looking surprised.

"You'd really want to?"

Brendon wasn't paying attention. "Well, yeah, duh. I keep saying it."

Ryan half-opened his mouth. Jon sat straighter and inched forward, forcing Spencer closer to Ryan.

Ryan said, "Then get over here."

Brendon's head snapped up.

"...yes!" Brendon scrambled onto Ryan's lap, catching his mouth on the way down, grinning hugely in between kisses. "I thought you were never gonna get it." Jon mumbled something like, "Yeah, from the subtlety."

"Um," said Spencer.

Ryan pulled off of Brendon's mouth. "You too."

"Uh," Spencer said, but Jon slid him bodily along the couch, pressed along Spencer's back.

"Fuck you, I'm not missing out on this." Jon bent over and kissed Brendon, palming the back of his neck. Brendon murmured happily.

Ryan held Spencer's chin in hand. "Please? Will you?"

Spencer just squirmed.

"I can think of another word for begging."

Spencer's smile caught on the side of his mouth, then grew and grew. "Alright then." He leaned in.


End file.
